There is an idea in some places that men’s and women’s sexuality are totally different. If you do research using surveys with fixed response options, there’s something weird about that idea, because while men’s and women’s answers do differ, for most variables there still seems to be some overlap.
I’ve come to wonder if this is because surveys are asking about the wrong questions, so I thought I would do a qualitative survey to explore what questions are more appropriate to ask about. I did this survey a while ago, but I haven’t really gotten around to blogging about it. Here is the question I asked:
How do you experience your sexuality?
I plan to study differences in people’s sexuality, and in order to make sure that I get comprehensive data, I would like to collect some stories of people’s experiences with their sexuality. In this survey you will be asked to qualitatively describe a situation that illustrates how you experience your sexuality. (Minimum 300 characters.)
How do you experience your sexuality?
Please describe some situation that illustrates how you experience your sexuality. What was happening in the situation, how did you feel/think/want to act, and what did you do? (Minimum 300 characters.)
(freeform text field)
My logic for phrasing it based on situations is that it is in situations that one experiences ones sexuality. That is, while one can abstract sexuality into broader situation-independent preferences and similar, this will not necessarily zoom into the specifics of what one feels, and so if we want to be sure that we get as much information as possible prior to abstracting, we need to focus on the situational aspects.
Men’s results
Some men reported direct physical attraction to potential partners, usually women:
I experience my sexuality as heterosexual, I have had many experiences with my heterosexuality. Some of them more obvious than others. For example if I see someone attractive of the opposite sex I will get excited which is less obvious. Whereas if me and my partner were to have sex, that would a much larger feeling.
31 year old mostly straight man in a long term relationship
Walking down the street passed a good looking athletic blonde woman, thinking what underwear she was wearing and if she was attracted to me and if the thoughts I was having about her were going through her head as we locked eyes as we walked passed one another. What does she do and does she like animals?
32 year old totally straight man in a long term relationship
I experience my sexuality through pornography. I discovered my sexuality when I watched my first porn film when I was teenager. It was a new an exciting experience for me. I’ve never seen a woman naked. It was also my first time masturbating. I found the woman very attractive. I recall she was a beautiful blond. This experience shaped my sexuality because I am still a virgin to this day. I have never met a beautiful woman who shared mutual attraction with me.
33 year old totally straight man who is single
I am a straight male but I have a massive fetish for men’s feet and socks. Therefore, I like to watch lots of gay porn which involves men worshipping each others feet (e.g. sucking their toes) and giving each other footjobs. I also like watching videos of men having sex where at least one partner leaves their socks on.
36 year old mostly straight man who is single
I am straight single and often think I’m not bothered about having a partner. I recently had a day with a friend who I’ve not seen for ages but we used to be pretty flirty. I had in my head that I wouldn’t be flirty and make sure the meeting wasn’t like that because I didn’t wan tot complicate things and not in a place where I want a partner at the moment. This all went out of the door as soon as we met up, she was looking great and I pretty much immediately was thinking about sex. I wanted sex and she seemed flirty again too. We ended up spending the night together I felt pretty guilty as I know its going to start a relationship. Although she may not be bothered about this. I often feel this way, a human need for sex and some companionship but not relationships. My plans often don’t match my feeleings
36 year old totally straight man who is single
I ‘experience’ my sexuality when I have sex or when I am prompted to have sexual thoughts, for example by noticing someone I find sexually attractive. This isn’t a big deal for me. I happen to be homosexual, but do not regard my orientation as a pivotal part of my life or personality – or, frankly, a topic worthy of much discussion.
63 year old totally gay man in a long term relationship
Although I’m quite old, I’d still like to have normal hetrosexual sexual relations. I would appreciate a reasonably adventurous younger partner, sadly my current partner of 47 years now shows no interest in the sexual side of the relationship and has not done so for the last ten or so years.
74 year old totally straight man in a long term relationship
I apppreciate the female form and enjoy females that dress provocatively
The first time that I remember was when I was 15 years old and I was attracted to a girl in my class because of the way she looked, her skin color, her smile and her laughter. After striking the first conversation I started to enjoy the manner in which she spoke to me and how the other boys felt envious. I remember how that made my heart beat fast and every time I saw her my mind went blank. The first time we hugged was at a common friends house. That instance made me realize my feelings for her and I wanted to ask her on a date. I went ahead and asked her out the next week.
29 year old totally straight man in a long term relationship
i enjoy my sexual experince alot, most especially when it is with someone i really love and care for, i feel sensational and happy, i start by softly rubbing my hands all over her body slowly fom the head to her toes and later sucking her breast and rubbing my hands on her breast, i move my mouth to hers and start kissing her and simultaneonsly rubbing my fingers on her breast before later insecting my dick in her virgina
25 year old totally straight man who regularly has casual sex
It was a simple flight to go on holiday: I was sitting in my allocated seat and was minding my own business looking at my phone, reading the advertisement papers etc, just general fidgeting until the flight took off. Then the air host started the demonstration, and for the entire time I could only think of how handsome he was, the way his nose centred on his face, his eyes, hair etc.
I was enamoured: my heart rate quickened and I smiled whenever he came to ask if I needed anything. I wanted to call him over just to look at him more, continue a conversation, just simple to have him talk at me so I could smile and nod.
As a generally straight male, this was eye opening to me. It made me realise that gender, at least in my experience, means little when it comes to the attraction one can have to another. The simple looks, the shape of ones face, even the styling of their hair, can have such a massive impact on what one feels when considering their sexuality.
28 year old straight-leaning bisexual man in a long-term relationship
The above seems well aligned with how male sexuality is usually portrayed, as well as with how I’ve mostly thought of it. So that is nice and convenient.
That said, not everyone reported this straightforwardly physical attraction. Some emphasized their relationships:
Any quality alone time that I spend with my significant other. There’s this inherent feeling of purpose. It’s something that drives you to want to succeed so that you can make them proud of you, make them happy. It’s a mutual feeling of trust and respect – being ready to be present for the other and to care and protect. It might not be an overtly physical act for me but I think it’s more of the social element that comes through. I think I express it best via thoughtfulness and empathy, being there in the difficult times and the mundane, offering humour and attention and a pillar of support. No particular situation comes to mind because I perceive it as more of a lifestyle than a moment.
23 year old totally straight man who is single
How I experience my sexuality is thought my love for my wife and son that I can help them grow and be a pillar of my family and also my sexuality already gives me to many pluses as it is and I’m happy where I am really I do hope that I can still be the man I am today that’s for sure also I have had some chewits today
34 year old totally straight man in a long term relationship
I feel I am who I am meant to be in my sexuality as a heterosexual male. I express this in the forms of love I share physically, spiritually and mentally with my female flame. This makes me feel happy and makes my life fulfilled with memories and makes me want to enjoy more experiences to come in the near future.
25 year old totally straight man in a long term relationship
Finally, some men who go into reproduction and sexual ideology:
I experience my sexuality as a heterosexual male nothing else has entered my train of thoughts by being who I am I was able to procreate with a female woman which is my wife now and have two beautiful children which are my life.
I have had numerous male men approach me in the past and made me feel quite uncomfortable and they did not respect who I was. I was disturbed by this and disappointed that respect did not work two ways
37 year old totally straight man in a long term relationship
To begin with, my sexualities is the normal sexuality of my gender regardless of what other person think or desire to act.
I feel the best/act/think the way my gender opt to behave in life.
Other person can choose the way they want with world be opened to different sexuality. Despite some culture or country frowns at some new way of things other embraces them.
The end point is each person can think/act/feel the way they want irrespective of the society they find themselves.
36 year old totally straight man in a long term relationship
Women’s results
There were a few women who reported something like a direct attraction as their main mode of sexuality. However, their experiences were typically marginal and unusual in some way, rather than it being a straightforward heterosexual expression:
I experience my sexuality simply as an integral part of who I am. I have never experienced anything other than my attraction to women. The first time that I really wanted to explore my sexuality with a woman was when I was at university and an older lesbian who was very out on the scene came to visit our house. I was thrilled by the fact that I knew she was also attracted to women and I was desperate to impress her and attract her attention. My experience was positive and reinforced the feeling that my sexuality was right and good.
52 year old totally lesbian woman who is single
I am someone who identifies as demisexual. I need a strong friendship and string intellectual relationship with someone before I am able to feel sexual attraction twoards them. A good example is I had a friend in my life who was flirty and all my other friends would point out their advances but I did not feel that way twoards them until one day it hit me. I slowly started to feel sexual attraction to them as the intellectual relationship grew and grew. When I started to reciprocate and we started a sexual relationship my sexual urges were stronger and only twoards them. I could look at others who were steryotypical attractive and feel nothing but when I looked at them it was like the only person in the world. I would lose those sexual feelings at times but would be able to get them back when our intelectual relationship struggled but I only felt it twoards them.
29 year old totally straight women with low libido who is single
I am often assumed to be straight and, although I had one female partner in my teens, this is generally assumed to have been a “bi-curious” phase and not a consistent part of my sexuality. I have never known how to answer my sexual orientation in adulthood, as I fancy women (I am a woman) and have frequently kissed women, but my primary preference is men. I recently watched a video by a content creator I follow titled “I am bi-sexual”. She described feeling the way I do and have throughout my teens and adulthood, and had finally come to realise that this meant she was bi-sexual. This was an eye-opening experience for me, and I have been more certain and forthcoming about this being how I would define my sexuality since this time.
31 year old straight-leaning bisexual woman in a long term relationship
These days, rarely as not in a relationship and past 60. Occasionally read smut – straight, bi and gay. Occasionally have a ‘lazy lech’ over a particularly beautiful (to me) person (i.e. both males and females). Consider self as bi although only one same-sex relationship. Currently have very little self-confidence which makes it unlikely I will have another relationship although I do yearn after a ‘cozy’ one.
62 year old bisexual woman who is single
My husband and I met each other online when we were in our 40’s, after both being in abusive marriages where sex was a chore and something we both felt we had to do to to keep our partner satisfied and reduce their abusive behaviour towards us. Because we’d both suffered through years of this, we both had very low self esteem and felt very unattractive and that our sexual performance was terrible, specially my husband whose ex wife constantly insulted his penis size, performance etc at the same time as constantly pestering him for sex and getting really aggressive if he tried to refuse. When we first met face to face, the attraction was immediate and we had a few drinks and ended up sleeping together. We were both very nervous though didn’t realise the other felt like that at the time, but the experience was wonderful, it felt so right and we felt a deep emotional connection as well as a physical one. For me (and later I found out it was the same for him), it was like we’d both had amazing, meaningful sex for the first time in our lives in our 40’s and we had a very active sex life for many years until we both developed health problems which made it difficult. We experimented a little with things like dressing up, taking videos which were exclusively for us to watch and never shared anywhere, having sex outdoors in remote places where we wouldn’t be seen, and although we’re restricted now because of our health problems, we do still enjoy sex though not nearly as often or as adventurous as we were. In my experience, sex with someone you love and have a deep emotional connection with and trust 100% is the best. I miss the sex life we once had, but we love each other deeply, still find each other very sexually attractive and are best friends, and when we do manage sex, it’s still wonderful even if we’re restricted in what we can manage.
57 year old totally straight woman in a long term relationship
I am female and have had girls flirt with me before. I didn’t know how to act. I am heterosexual. But this was more of a complement than if I guy would flirt. I would never want to date a woman but do find some woman attractive – but only to look at and wouldn’t want anything more at all. I have also always felt this way
23 year old totally straight woman in a long term relationship
There were also women who described being heterosexual in a way that might be compatible with straightforward physical attraction, but where they were too vague and didn’t really get into the details enough to say:
I have only ever been it heterosexual relationships and since I was 15/16 I’ve only ever been in long term relationships (1-3 years) with no real periods of ‘singleness’. I’ve always loved all of my partners, but often reflect back and wish I’d spent some time being single and ‘finding myself’. My mental health and personality type means I’m always relying on someone else’s life experiences to keep me alive and worth living. Now I’m realising this is only relating to my relationships and not my sexuality. I’ve been interested in women but only from a sexual perspective and feelings. I only enjoy the pleasuring part of sex, not the receiving part. I like making my partner feel good and know that I’m valuable if I can do that for them. Being the one out of control makes me uncomfortable and it’s not their fault that I have a disconnect with my own pleasure so I don’t want to disappoint them.
25 year old straight-leaning bisexual woman in a long term relationship
My sexuality is heterosexual. I have a boyfriend and I have always been attracted to men. MY sexuality isn’t something that really defines me, I wouldn’t say it’s the first thing I think about in the morning and before I go to sleep. It’s just a way of life, however I think for people of other sexualities, they are able to define themselves with their sexuality, which I think is such a lovely thing, to be included with a bunch of people that are the same as themselves. I feel rather boring sometimes for being heterosexual.
25 year old mostly straight woman in a long term relationship
my experience on my sexuality is pretty much limited, im in a commited relationship of 10 years and building a life together, but i feel that i could have more, but dont want to actually dive in to it with my partner. i guess it best kept in side my head, before my relationship, i was with other people
30 year old bisexual woman in a long term relationship
Instead of a straightforward attraction to partners, it was common for women to report a sexuality focused on exhibiting attractive features:
i experience my sexuality through being an empowered feminine woman who sees her sexual role in society as one that is stereotypically female. For example, in a club scenario, I dance with my hips in a feminine way as it makes me feel sexy and strong, and i feel really in tune with myself on that level. I find that it doesn’t bother me anymore if a boy is interested or not, as it makes me feel like i’m in tune with my sexual energy and the powers that come with that. e.g. feeling pleasure, biologically understanding that this energy brings about life as an end result which is part of my own gift and capabilities as a person with ovaries.
25 year old straight-leaning bisexual woman in a long term relationship
I was on holiday on a cruise and i wanted to look really nice so that my husband was really proud of me. I had bought a new dress and new underwear for that night. I put them on and I immediately felt more confident and feminine. My husband said how nice I looked which made me feel good and that it was worth the effort. I felt more attractive and there was more of a chemistry between the two of us
72 year old mostly straight woman in a long term relationship
Time for a night out with the love of my life. Dressing in heels, my best dress, minimal make up and long hair flowing. I feel in control, special, feminine. I want to strut and without a word inside I am screaming look at me, everyone turn my way. I feel safe yet vulnerable on his arm. . When is it time to go home? I want to be held close.
54 year old totally straight woman in a long term relationship
Another woman focused on her sexuality in a reproductive context:
I am female and for me that is bound up with being a mother. The situation I am thinking of is being pregnant and looking at my body in the mirror. Although some people see pregnant women as being fat I found it was the richest expression ever of my sexuality as a giver and sustainer of life. I remember running my hands over the taut skin of my belly, noticing how long and thick my hair had grown and feeling more desirable than I ever had.
58 year old mostly straight woman in a long term relationship
Another woman focused on her experiences growing up:
I was very young probably around 12yrs in the summer I was wearing a vest top to go to the shop for my parents. I suppose I was developing my chest and not wearing a bra as it was early in my development and i had long blonde hair. Two men working in the garden centre made comments about me which I found weird at the time. I was young and sheltered from anything to do with sexuality.
54 year old totally straight woman in a long term relationship
Finally, a woman focused on the way society relates to her sex:
Salespersons at the door saying they would return when “hubby” was home, assuming that, as a woman, I am unable to make decisions about services within my own home. I find it patronising that they make these assumptions.
As a woman receiving a 2nd breast cancer diagnosis and being told that the only recommended treatment is a mastectomy and that reconstruction is not an option affects one’s self-image and sexuality because the media, and societal norms lay great store and emphasis on the size of breasts and imply that a breastless woman is somehow inferior and unattractive. This is a situation that is not within a woman’s control.
It is sometimes suggested that persons over a certain age should not be sexually active . I was told, by a younger woman that “people over 50 shouldn’t have sex, it’s wrong”. It is somehow deemed more acceptable for men to have sexual desires and seek treatment for any problems.
I hope these are the sort of examples you are seeking. It was not really clear
68 year old totally straight low libido woman in a long term relationship
Conclusion
Men’s central experience of sexuality is in seeing some physically attractive woman and wanting to have sex with her. When women report something similar as a central experience of their sexuality, it is rarely so straightforward; the women reporting it may be lesbian, or single and prone to reading smut, or trauma bonding, or straight but focusing on women as the sex to look at. The women who do report being straightforwardly heterosexual are either quite vague in their experiences of sexuality, or instead report a focus on displaying their feminine sexuality or similar. There also seem to be sex differences in the sociological/ideological context, but it was rare for either sex to focus on that, so the survey doesn’t reveal much about it.
The biggest issue I have with my survey is that, due to its qualitative design, it can only prove the presence of an experience, and not characterize the overall degree or pattern of experiences for a person at an individual level. This makes it harder to compare the participants to each other, and thereby characterize e.g. the magnitude of the sex differences. My original desire with this survey was to follow it up with a psychometric questionnaire and factor analysis to understand things in more detail, but while the survey has given me some ideas for how to do this psychometrically, I haven’t come up with anything concrete yet.
One thing that makes it difficult to study with a rigid questionnaire is that some of the stories are based on situations that are far from universal, e.g. trauma bonding or pregnancy. Another thing that makes it difficult is that the remaining situations probably differ a lot from person to person in a nonstructured way. It may be helpful to switch to focusing on sexual fantasies instead of sexual experiences, as that makes it less dependent on lifestyle – but IME this also suppresses sex differences a bunch. Probably the best approach would be to combine the two.
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